I finally got to open my bible this morning... it is nearly midday & a true "day off" in that I got to have a sleep in... tired from not only a week of VERY emotional/challenging communications in many areas: some fantastic, some challenging, but at the ned of this challenging week, being screamed at twice in one day by 2 different people & dreams of having to find my budgie & Snuggles who weren't being looked after... not a nice dream, ........ not surprising that I have an anxious heart!

Then I just pictured a number in my head... 156... well there is no Ps 156 so I went to 56... & this was my reading...

Psalm 56^[a]

¹ Be merciful to me, my God,
    for my enemies are in hot pursuit; 
    all day long they press their attack. 
² My adversaries pursue me all day long; 
    in their pride many are attacking me.

³ When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 
⁴     In God, whose word I praise— 
in God I trust and am not afraid. 
    What can mere mortals do to me?

⁵ All day long they twist my words; 
    all their schemes are for my ruin.
⁶ They conspire, they lurk,
    they watch my steps, 
    hoping to take my life. 
⁷ Because of their wickedness do not^[c] let them escape; 
    in your anger, God, bring the nations down.

⁸ Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll^[d] —
    are they not in your record? 
⁹ Then my enemies will turn back 
    when I call for help. 
    By this I will know that God is for me.

¹⁰ In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise—
¹¹ in God I trust and am not afraid.
    What can man do to me?

¹² I am under vows to you, my God;
    I will present my thank offerings to you.
¹³ For you have delivered me from death 
    and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
    in the light of life.

Hmmm... so interesting!

I was accused of being a hypocrite .... again... & it sent me to You to ask if that is true. Well, conviction that I haven't been praying earnestly is one answer I got... & it is right... I haven't been praying enough... Ive been doing what I usually do & just wait for You to do something in the mess that we have got ourselves into.... taking baby steps as I saw them to take.... 

But, I have tried to be more "gentle" at home & say all the hellos others want me to say... tho I must admit, I get a bit tired of having to say it EVERYTIME I walk in & out of the house... seems silly to me!

I DID offer a date night but it was cooly received & so I will leave it... I don't know if it was the venue or just that it isn't time yet to have such a time together... 

& Ive been trying to take steps to fix another situation... I did this with with a good heart, to try to help reconciliation happen... not trying to force it but, yep, speaking earnestly of the need & trying to refute the untruths being given to me in response to my suggestions/comments. 

And, yes, I did get mad too... my back was up... & I wanted to say, that "you can huff & puff all you want, but I live in a brick home so it isn't going to succeed".... or "I will not be bullied or shouted into submission or silence just cause you don't like what Im saying." 

Then I realised this wasn't a loving attitude & I went back to feeling sad & sorry for the damage & sadness that causes this reaction/response in this person.

What a mess!

Compassion comes easier when you see the mess. 

Lord, I do EARNESTLY seek Your help to bring healing & reconciliation... & to help me in the times when my hackles rise!

& I ask You to help me, in my distress & tiredness to respond well to mum... cause she can't filter her words/thoughts well enough anymore & she is going to say stuff that is annoying or upsetting... but I need to respond well 100% of the time- (EVEN when Im to the point of overflow) -  to avoid incidences like last night that, which, with everything else, leave me wanting heaven more than is healthy!